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Gremlins vs Critters
Gremlins vs Critters.png|My thumbnail|linktext=Christian Higdon Gremlins vs Critters is a What-If? Death Battle written by Christian Higdon Description Warner Bros vs New Line Cinema. Watch out, as two hungry monster groups with big appetites, small sizes, and a brutal nature are going to fight. Lock those doors, hide under the table, or be silent, because this is going to be the best 1980s battle yet! Interlude Wiz: The 80s. It was definitely a weird era, considering all the things spawned from it. Boomstick: So we thought "Hey, let's make a team battle with scary and brutal creatures from the 80s! What could go wrong?" The Mogwai, or better known as the Gremlins Wiz: And the Krites, or better known as the Critters. Now, to make this fight fair, all the Gremlins are going to show up, including a few of the mutant Gremlins. Boomstick: HE'S WIZ AND I'M BOOMSTICK!!!! Wiz: And it's our job to analyze their weapons, armors, and suits to find out who would win a DEATH BATTLE!! Gremlins Wiz: One day, a boy got a gift. A gift of great potential. This so-called present was a bunch of- Boomstick: BOOTLEGGED FURBYS! So, if anybody else has watched the movie, you know what went down, but for those who didn't, here's the drop. These things, called Mogwai, had three rules. 1: No bright lights of any kind, 2: Don't get them wet, and 3: Never, EVER feed them after midnight. Wiz: So what does the guy do? He breaks rule #3, which is the most crucial rule of them all. Once he did that, he unleashed a terrible force on his own home-town. This terrible army of monsters were the Gremlins. The Gremlins are vicious, evil and mischievous creatures. But let's focus on the leader first, named Stripe. Boomstick: Stripe is the leader of the Gremlins (Well, in the first movie). But he isn't as weak as he looks. He possesses a gun, which he probably stole which he uses, obviously to shoot at people. Stripe is far stronger, smarter and deadlier than his other Gremlin friends. His claws are extremely sharp and could even kill a living being if harmed extremely. Wiz: Even as a Mogwai, he was still incredibly mischievous, going out of his way to bite the finger of the human protagonist friend. Hell, even in the Mogwai state, they were strong enough to overpower a dog and hang it by Christmas lights. Boomstick: Can't hang on tight enought, i guess. Anyways, they're strong enough to rip apart metal air vents to crawl inside of, can easily bash holes in walls that they can escape through to hide within the walls, are strong enough to leave really deep scratches, and as a small team can take down and kill a full grown man with their claws. Wiz: As for speed, they have it as well. Gremlins are really fast, hyperactive, and nimble on foot. A gremlin once ate a cob of corn so fast, it made after-images. Boomstick: THE F**K!? Wiz: They can also clone when in water. Boomstick: THE DOUBLE F**K!? Wiz: Anyways, they also have tons of durability. They can take a mallet to the head, laugh through electrocuting itself bad enough to spark and smoke, can survive acid being thrown in their face, doesn't even notice being shot multiple times in the gut, and only notices when it drinks something and the liquid starts pouring out of the holes in it's body, Boomstick: And when he realizes it, HE LAUGHS THROUGH THE PAIN! Seriously, WHAT THE S**T! Wiz: And don't forget, they can also 4th wall break, like when they killed a man who was giving a bad review of Gremlins. Boomstick: So, a'''pparently when Bugs Bunny was talking about Gremlins, he was talking about THESE Gremlins. HOLY CRAP!' Wiz: But nothing's perfect. For one, bright lights can do insanely bad things to the Gremlins. Also, they are weakened to microwaves. ''Shows the scene where a Gremlins blows up in a microwave. Boomstick: Also, Hulk Hogan can intimidate them into going back into their film if they escape. ' Wiz: But still, they can be scary and intimidating. You do NOT want to cross paths with a Gremlin. '''Boomstick: OH CRAP, WE DIDN'T EVEN MENTION EVERY SINGLE ONE OFTHE MUTANT GREMLINS! ' Stripe: Gizmo... Caca! Critters Wiz: Even in the dark vastness of space, law and order must be maintained. For one rebellious rac, it would mean being locked away forever. '''Boomstick: And they said Looney Tunes was racist! Anyways, these ferocious alien hungering hairballs known as the Crites were anything but good to the galaxy. If anything, they had to be locked away. Soon enough, a foolish move was pulled, and the Crites were released. Man, horror movies are so stupid. Wiz: These hairballs didn't get too far before getting to Earth. Then they got right back up to do work and cause ruckus for at least 4 films. Now, just like the Gremlins, they aren't as weak as they look. They have razor sharp teeth, like that of a shark. Boomstick: They can eat humans piece by piece, throw someone into a church, and, in a group, can strip someone down to bone in mere seconds. Also, they can shoot spikes out of their back. Sort of like that legend of porcupine quills. But, however, these spikes are poisonous, and can render one unconscious. Wiz: Now, when it's time to move to their next feast, they don't have to walk. No, they can spin into a ball, and roll around freely. Kind of like a flesh-hungry Sonic the Hedgehog. Boomstick: Wiz, don't give SEGA that idea. Parents are still shocked over Bayonetta. And when they need a last resort, they can all morph a giant rolling ball of death. Just like LEGO Bricks. Wiz: Then there's durability. They can take explosions, can bite through bone without tooth loss, and can take on atmospheric re-entry. Boomstick: But they can be defeated. They aren't too smart, can get easily distracted, their behavior can be their own downfall, and despite being durable to take on atmospheric re-entry, can die to as little as a gunshot. Don't let those flaws make you feel safe though. Even the most puntable enemies can be the deadliest. Shows the Critter Ball of Death rolling. It takes somebody out, and leaves nothing but flesh and bone. Fight Wiz: Alright, the combatants are set. Let's end this debate once and for all. Boomstick: IT'S TIME FOR A DEATH BATTLEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEVVGYCGGH! (Cue ~ David Foster - Carol of The Bells) Twas a cold and stormy night. All was silent throughout the night. Not a sound was heard. Except for a shrill scream of fright. '''A person stood there, her head gone. All that was left of it was a bloody stump. The culprit of this crime was none other then a.......hairball? Yes, you read correctly. A furball with teeth had somehow eaten the head off of a poor woman's body. This was a Crite, more commonly known as a Critter. The little beast of murder headed off to an alleyway, where he would meet up with his bretheren. (CUE THE RAINY ALLEY ALLEY SOUNDS) Somewhere else, something green had been eating junk. Lollipops, gumballs, popsicles, and a bottle of wine. This creature was a Gremlin. More specifically, Stripe, the boss. He was inside a cave-ish building, safe from the violence that was Los Vegas. He then heard a sound, like say a trash can rattling and falling down. Scared for his life, he went out with a gun in hand. Rain then poured down on him. His back then bubbled, sprouting another Gremlin. He saw what was happening. A reunion of sorts, he thought of it. What he didn't expect, was for the clone earlier to run at the hairballs, alerting them, and distracting them of their meeting. One Crite then jumped at the Gremlin and began munching on him. The Gremlin screamed in fear, but his life was cut short, as he was bitten in half. He was mutilated, one ear being munched off, one arm being torn off, and having the same scared expression on his face, even in death. (Cue ~ Mortified - Anarchy Reigns) The Crite then looked at Stripe, and rolled at him. Stripe, using the field to his advantage, jumped into a toy toony fire truck, and somehow drove off. The Crite followed, hoping to eat his next meal. Stripe attacked first, shooting at the Crite. The critter, seeing this, rolled out of harm's way, even breaking bullets in half with it's bare teeth. The rain dripped on Stripe, making him spawn more clones to distract the furball. While the Crite was spinning around, one of the Gremlins tripped over the critter, and punted him away like a ball of foam. The next Gremlin threw the space hairball away with ease. Soon, the Crite was being punted around like a toy, but then he shot out what looked like porcupine quills. They hit the evil Mogwai, and knocked them out on impact. If the quills didn't kill them, the poison would. Multiple critters then joined and started moving towards Stripe. In retaliation, he grabbed a hose, and somehow, despite it being a replica, blasted water at full force. The Crites moved out of the way. One of them wasn't so lucky, however, and was blasted apart into bones and fur. One of the Crites then jumped at Stripe, but was shot by a pistol. Stripe then spawned more of his kin due to the rain AGAIN. This time though, a water flow due to a bridge he ran under splashed him, causing him to spawn up to 17 Gremlins. All of which charged at the Crites. Stripe then jumped off the tot truck, and ran to the sewer system. While the other demon Mogwai kept the Crites distracted, the sewers were starting to overflow, the lids rattling. Soon enough, thousands of Gremlins came out. The Crites saw this, and were stuck in awe. (Cue ~ One-Winged Devil - Therewolf Media) The Gremlins then charged, but then an entire army of evil furballs, approx. 100,000 furballs, started rolling down like ravaged Sonic the Hedgehog characters. Soon, it was an entire war, and everyone locked their entire house down to the last keyhole. One of the Gremlins then punted a critter, and laughed, before seeing the furball munching on his leg. The green monster screamed in pain, sort of like this. Another critter didn't get to have a feast, though, as a Gremlin, dressed as a surgeon, opened the hairball's mouth with a crowbar. He put a flamethrower deep into the Crite's throat, and let loose. The Crite screamed in pain, and was soon burned down into a crisp. Some of the Gremlins were then thrown into a lab. All of whom met the same fate as the Fantasic Four (or six if you actually count the amount). The six Gremlins then came out, and one was immediatly devoured. Greta had been taken out. (Also, an FYI, i'm not use the Spider Gremlin here. He's Stripe reborn). The Brain Gremlin ran up into a building and sat in a big office. He was one of the commanders now. (Cue ~ Battle at the Zoo - Brandon Yates) "Alright, let's see here" The Brain Gremlin muttered, and peaked around with a telescope. Soon, he got a glimpse of a Crite getting distracted mid-fight, as he rolled over to a.......hamburger? He went to eat it, and the intellectual inhuman soon realized what he must do. Somehow, headphones appeared over the Gremlins' ears because 90s logic. "RETREAT, AND LURE THE HAIRBALLS WITH JUNK FOOD!" He shouted over the microphone he somehow had. Like a walky-talky, the voice transported to the headphones. So, the Gremlins grabbed pepper spray and blinded the hairballs with it. While they were shaking around violently, the Gremlins led a trail of food to the edge of a cliff. Where did this cliff lead to? The ocean, that's where. When the Crites could see again, 15 little green men weren't smart enough to hide. Three of which were mutants. The Vegetable Gremlin, the Bat Gremlin, and the Phantom Gremlin. The Critters formed into a big ball. One by one, they pieced a giant hairball like a puzzle. The Crite Ball of Death then started to roll, and the unlucky Gremlins were devoured, left as bloody skeletons. The giant ball of hair and teeth saw the trail of food, and it followed. Once it reached near the end, the last remaining mutant Mogwai zapped the giant ball, and most of the Cites that formed it were vaporized. (Cue ~ Trans-Siberian Orchestra - Carol of The Bells) The rain poured on the Gremlins, making them multiply more and more. All of them were in pure rage. They surrounded the one Crite, and soon punted him around like a ball. Whenever the Crite tried to snap his jaws, the Electric Gremlin would zap at him with the force of a thunderstorm. The first few jolts didn't harm him at all, but as time went on, the Critter got more and more hurt. Soon enough, the Gremlins decided to finish off the poor sucker. Stripe came back and gave him the boot quite literally. He kicked the hairball off of the cliff. He watched the poor alien fall down the cliff. The last Crite tried to hang on with it's teeth, but was rendered unconscious. The Crite fell into the water and the Electric Gremlin jumped into the water. His bodily structure took over the whole pool, and soon the Crite felt zapped with the force of a million jolts. He twitched out of control and soon, was bleeding all over. Soon, his skin, his teeth, his eyes, his quills, and his internal organs popped out all at once in a bloody mess. (Skip music over to 3:03) His remains then started to unravel, and like a fleshy alien fur bomb, blew up into blood and bones. The final Crite had been blown into a mess. It was over. The Gremlins then laughed in victory, and as soon as the electricity stooped, they all jumped into the ocean. What would come next wouldn't be good. If 1 Gremlin jumped into a pool and multiplied into enough Gremlins to fill a town, what would approx. 1,994,857,483 million of them jumping into the ocean do? Verdict (Cue ~ Gremlins Theme Song) '''Boomstick: Well, that can't be too good. Wiz: Both the Critters and the Gremlins had a bunch of advantages over each other. The Critters had speed, better teamwork, a stronger biteforce, and were far too vicious, but the Gremlins edged out in strength, durability, toonforce, arsenal, abilities, and intellect. There's also the mutants. Boomstick: In speed, the Gremlins are nimble and quick, but the Critters when rolling are far faster. Even when formed into a giant boulder of death, they have immense speed. Also, while the Gremlins are harming each other whenever they can, the Crites can work together in far deadlier situations. Wiz: In biteforce, this was a no-brainer. The Gremlins could be able to chomp through vents via scaling from it's claws, but as we mentioned in Captain America vs Batman, could and would are different. It was also quite obvious that the Critters were the more brutal force. That was where the advantages of the Crites end, though. Boomstick: The Gremlins are far stronger, being able to knock out a grown man in one hit. The scary thing is that one Gremlin alone did that. They were far more resistant to pain. While the Crites can take atmospheric re-entry, that doesn't mean that they have consistent durability. I mean, they die to f**king gunshots! The Gremlins, however, can take gunshots like no big deal. Wiz: Also, the Gremlins have shown far more toonforce. I mean, the Critters don't even HAVE any kind of toonforce, while the Gremlins can escape their own movie and jump into other movies. In arsenal, the Crites had teeth and quills, but the Mogwai had guns, crowbars, and hammerspace at the go. Boomstick: The Gremlins are far smarter too. They use everything they can to their advantage. Guns, chainsaws, even the homefield. If they found out the Critter's hungry mindset, which they could considering the Brain Gremlin's intellect, they would use it to their advantage. In abilities, it's no contest, as the Gremlin's cloning abilities completely outclass the quills. Wiz: "But Wiz and Boomstick," i can hear you crying, "what about the GIANT BALL OF FUR, TEETH, AND DEATH!?" Well, then there's the Mutant Gremlins. Grets, the Vegetable Gremlin, The Bat Gremlin, and the Phantom Gremlin would probably fall, but the Electric Gremlin is too much. I mean, he trapped somebody inside THE PHONE SYSTEM! Boomstick: Well, talk about being on-hold. So while the Critters were faster, better in a team, could bite harder, and had the more winning motives, the Gremlins beat them in strength, durability, toonforce, arsenal, abilities, and intellect. This SHOCKING match-up of the 90s ended up in a Gremwin for the Mogwai. Wiz: The winners are the Gremlins. Advantages and Disadvantages Gremlins-WINNER +Stronger +More Durable +Zanier Toonforce +FAR more weapons +More abilities +Smarter -Slower -Don't work well in a team -Can't bite as hard -Lesser winning motives Critters-LOSER +Faster +Work better in a team +Better Biteforce +Better winning motives -Weaker -Less durable -Little to no toonforce -Less weapons -Less abilities -Not as smart Next Time Christian: NEXT TIME ON DEATH BATTLE! They have power. One due to smarts. The other due to strength. One American. The other Japanese. But who would win? Bugs Bunny vs Godzilla Category:"1980s themed" Death Battles Category:What-If? 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